My Acceptance Story

I figured it was only right that I eventually made a biographical post regarding the very topic I focus some of my time on here to, which is, of course, fat acceptance.

Ever since I was young, I have been bigger than average. In grade school I was heavier, in middle school I was heavier, and in high school I was heavier. Never once did I fit "average," and never once did I truly felt as if I belonged.

Up until middle school, I tried so hard to be popular. I still remember switching from the Christian school I went to into public school for third grade. My best friend in my neighborhood practically ignored me at school because she was popular. I remember one time she told me that her friends would like me if I wasn't fat. Needless to say, that did nothing to boost my already waning self esteem. I even went and tried to shop at Abercrombie once... I was able to get one girls shirt, and I got a guys shirt that said ABERCROMBIE across the chest. I remembered being so excited, because I just knew that they would accept me then. We even had a field trip shortly thereafter, and I took the Abercrombie bag to carry some people's lunches in, just so people would see it. Not surprisingly, however, it didn't help one bit. In 8th grade I decided to take a different route: faux punk.

8th grade for me was the beginning of the era I believe we are currently in; where everyone wants to be punk/emo/sXe/whatever. I made a subconscious decision that if I couldn't fit in with the majority because of my 'fat girl' stigma, I would go out of my way to be eccentric, and I did. But even though I was doing what I wanted to do, and getting my name attached more to "that weirdo" than "that fat girl," I still didn't truly accept myself. I still don't completely, but I didn't really make any good advancements until my ex Zach and I began going out my Junior year. Once I started dating him, I went from band tees to form-fitting clothing that still fit my persona. When I looked in the mirror, I no longer saw a fat blob, but a woman with some curves. Of course, I still didn't know anything about fat acceptance, so this transformation was minuscule in comparison to what I made just last year. In fact, before I discovered FA and HAES, I used to put different people into different categories... Fat, attractive, or just guys. Seriously, every girl I saw I would size up immediately, and if she was skinny, unless other factors were present my inner judgment meter would tell me that she's too high up there for me to reach, so forget about that friendship.

I first discovered fat acceptance through a long line of links, ultimately starting with a goals website called 43things.com. For a while I would search for keywords such as "fat" on pages like that or YouTube just to mentally hurt myself, I guess. But one time, I discovered on 43things many people with goals of gaining X lbs, feeding their girlfriend, getting a fat girlfriend, etc. My internalized fat hatred said "WHAA? PEOPLE WANT TO BE FAT?! PREPOSTEROUS!!" But I was curious! I found a girl on there who said she wanted to become quite large, and I contacted her with the purpose of telling her how much respect I had for her in a world where thin=beautiful and fat=ugly. She responded fairly quickly, only to reveal to me that she in fact was a he who preferred fat girls. This was even greater of a shock, though! A man who fat girls?? W-HAT? I continued to talk to him about his FAism and things of that nature, and he sent me to FattyMcBlog. From there I became interested in reading blogs, only to discover a multitude of other blogs that have done wonders on my self-esteem. Each day, I read something new that boosts my confidence.

I actually look in the mirror and think "DAMN, I'M HOT!" on most occasions now. I am happy to have discovered this love of myself at 18, as opposed to 25+ as some bloggers still struggling with acceptance seem to be. I still have a little ways to go, and I get pissed off pretty easily in regards to the subject, but that's because all of my self-loathing has gone into the loathing of others ^_^

So that last bit didn't sound so great, but it's better than that first half up there, eh?